Play the great Leicester City blame game
Less than four years ago, Leicester City were FA Cup winners and perennial top four contenders.
Closing BT Sport’s coverage of the FA Cup final in 2021, Jake Humphrey said: “Huge congratulations to Leicester City, a team with a genuinely strong foundation, a team constantly on the up and a team that look like they’re here to stay.”
Not exactly a high performance prediction, but an understandable one at the time.
Today, Leicester City are plummeting towards a second relegation in three seasons amidst another legal battle with the Premier League.
Whose fault is it?
Over the past few months I have been gathering evidence on all potential suspects in the shameful murder of a once above-average football club.
What follows are the raw notes from that investigative journal.
Can you follow the clues to discover WHO KILLED LEICESTER CITY?
The suspects
Steve Cooper
Suspicious background
The most vibeless man in existence
Spent his limited budget signing players with “experience” instead of “ability”
Seemed incapable of doing any sort of tactics
Didn’t play Ricardo or Fatawu when they were fit to ensure there was no enjoyment to be had by anyone
Fluked a bunch of points to mask how bad he was
Enzo i miss u
Brendan Rodgers
Turned Leicester into complete bottle job merchants
Called us a Mini and Chelsea a Ferrari
Threw all the players under the bus in preparation for a refresh of the squad then signed no players
Got relegated with one of the highest wage bills in the Premier League
Enabled “Congerton” room to operate
Appears to feel no shame about what happened - possible psychopath?
Danny Ward
Ruud van Nistelrooy
Might be a rubbish manager
Concedes almost 3 goals a game on average
Carried on using Cooper’s terrible tactic
Has managed to delete the part that provided goals and fluke wins
Is really bad at substitutions
Danny Ward
The players
Are all absolutely terrible at football
The last set of players phoned it in for six months as the club plummeted to relegation
Literally impossible to sell
Routinely make disastrous mistakes to hand the opposition goals
Can’t create any goals
Can’t score any goals
Danny Ward
The fans
Occasionally tut and boo the team
Would like the club to win games
Are suspiciously easy to placate with free beers and doughnuts
Possible victims of an attempted mass poisoning via complimentary coconut rolls (no evidence of this, keep investigating - Legal Ed.)
PSR/the Premier League
Ensure that any attempt to break the top 4 once means you are whacked with sporting sanctions for a decade
Suck all enjoyment out of the sport by ensuring you have to understand economics to work out the league table
Incentivise clubs to sell the only players fans actually care about
Encourage weird incestuous transfer dealings
Reportedly hate Leicester and are determined to come down hard on us despite being unable to write and understand their own rules
Have created a closed shop by sinister means, ensuring that it’s impossible nearly impossible for established top half teams to get relegated
Seagrave
Ensures every single half decent player goes down with a serious injury
Has made the players go soft
The club spent all its money on a training ground instead of people to train in it
Means everyone lives in Nottinghamshire
Martyn Glover
Was on gardening leave for an entire transfer window so that we couldn’t sign anyone
When he did arrive at work he signed Tete
Virtually every signing since he joined has proven to be absolute guff
Is implicated in the arrival of all of Steve Cooper’s dismal experienced heads - possible accomplice?
Jon Rudkin
Oversees a footballing vision where the most glowing review described it as “no sporting project”
Is incapable of working on more than one transfer deal at any given time
Never gives interviews to say what the plan is (note to self: research further - maybe there is no plan???)
Appears to have some kind of evil hold over King Power
Seems depressed even when we win
Susan Whelan
Always gets lumped in with Rudkin - no smoke without fire?
Famously won worldwide acclaim by “intervening” to ensure Wesley Fofana got sold to Chelsea
The CEO of a company that signs endlessly shady deals with (allegedly?) paid actors
Would seem to be the person ultimately responsible for the business side of a company where the business side has wet the bed
Offers absolutely zero communication at any level
Top
Is responsible for hiring literally all of the people at the club
Appears afraid to make any decisions
Wants to play like Manchester City and then hired Steve Cooper
Might be clueless
Me personally
I gave an offering to a fox shrine on December 15th, we have lost all 7 Premier League games since then
Might not have thrown enough money into the shrine
Might have brought the everlasting fury of the Gods down upon us
